I'm in the eye of the storm. What do they say about the eye of the storm? In a hurricane, everything surrounding the center has high winds and severe rain. However, the eye of the hurricane has relatively calm weather, as it is a localized area of sinking air. I think right now that is where I'm at. Or where I aim to be.

I'm dealing with the problem that seems to be a common crisis for me. Nothing is really, physically wrong. Sure, I'm tired – but I'm on my way to fixing my sleep, and I'm not exhausted or anything. Nothing horrible has happened to me. It's just this one idea that I can't seem to fully let go of.

The problem is that of not knowing what to do and believing that what I'm doing in this moment is not good enough. It is as a result of overthinking consciousness itself, overthinking meditation. This is the pattern:

a) Awareness

b) Immediate doubt of whether my awareness is good enough, whether I'm present enough, whether my thought is good enough. I am comparing myself to a standard that does not exist. I'm expecting perfection from myself.

c) Immediately beating myself up for doubting whether my awareness is good enough. Criticizing b, thereby perpetuating b.

It leads to perpetual condemnation of the past – and an overall belief of not being good enough. But you can never be happy or present when you believe that this moment is not good enough. You have to meet yourself where you're at in order to grow – change then flows naturally.

So yeah, I keep sort of projecting myself into the past to see if my awareness was good enough, thereby losing any sort of presence. And then beating myself up about that, which makes me even less present.

I sort of was able to move past this issue for a good month or so, and what really helped was reminding myself that "this moment is good enough".

This sort of perpetual reflection and criticism is a sort of escape from the moment, from the reality that my mind is not perfect. Instead of sitting with that, I'm separating myself from my mind, which is why this leads to dissociation. Is it possible to find rest in restlessness? To sit with yourself – all of it – rather than creating divisions? To be okay with these contradictions? To be the eye of the incessant storm that is consciousness?

This also relates to the idea of not knowing what to do. Is it possible to take refuge and find joy in being a beginner? In figuring things out? In being a work of progress. In those awkward moments? Can you find a way to find rest in those moments of not knowing what to do, not knowing whether what you're doing is right, feeling confused, feeling scared? If so, that is where true self-mastery lies. Joy in imperfection and humanity.

Remember: this moment is good enough, it is all a part of here. Meet yourself where you're at.


Post meditation insight: there is nothing to simulate. There is no protocol to this. You're already here. You don't need a map to it. You're here already.

Mind Straw #7: July Eighteen 2023