Dropping all of it. Today I'm intending on dropping those expectations, those impulses of "not good enough", of "need to do this, need to get this, need to be this way".

I try really hard. I think it comes from this desire of wanting to be okay with myself. And it feels like I need to accomplish things or gain validation in order to be okay with myself. But according to this worldview, I can't ever be happy unless I'm a perfect, fully formed human. But in reality, we are never fully formed, we are constantly unfolding and changing. There is no product. We are processes of change. I may really want a good job right now, and think that will make my life complete. But once I get that, I'll want something else - maybe a marriage. And then I'll want kids. It's never-ending.

So really, what am I trying to escape from? What am I trying to escape to? I'm trying to escape to this idea of myself, which doesn't exist. Trying to escape from where I am, this moment. In reality, the moment is all I will ever be. And thus, in it, exists the wholeness I am looking for. Right here. Is it possible to view this moment as whole? Is it possible to climb the mountain and view each step on the incline as the thing. It's basically the age-old quote about how life is about the journey and not the destination, right?

I don't feel the most articulate right now, but I don't think I have to logically express this in order for it to be true. I just know it.

So I plan on dropping into where I am. Being who I am where I am. Not needing to be anything else or escape. Seeing where that takes me. Not forcing things, what happens if I'm just me and view that as enough?

Mind Straw #16 - November 11, 2023